Joke of the day. Part 3

[Major_A]

HAHAHAHAHAHA LMAO

[YOUR_DADDY]

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plonks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.



"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."


"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."


"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?" "Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!" "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"


"Well, we were on the fifth tee....and this hole is a monster, Mother -
540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made... ...and it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight!"


"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother.. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"


"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathised the Mother. "But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"


"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile. "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"


Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,

fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...


"You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"

[daffy_duck]

lol

[YOUR_DADDY]

Three Ladies in a Sauna


THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE
BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR..

WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM..

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID..........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT......I'M GETTING A
FAX!!

[Major_A]

HAHAHA.

[YOUR_DADDY]

The Candy with the Little Holes
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red.......................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange ...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!

[Major_A]

Apr 15, 2009 19:11:45 GMT -5 Lamron said:

Company car paid for by my company, not the hospital. The hospital has no responsibility for anything. They can do anything they feel like. It doesn't hurt them at all that our company had to pay me for the extra hour of drive time, and it doesn't hurt them that the patient had to wait for the equipment.

That's the big problem. There's no way to hold anybody accountable for anything. Most of the time when we deliver equipment to a patient in a nursing home, the nursing home steals the equipment when the patient dies. Then they just rent it out to someone else. We can't do anything about it because the nursing home isn't responsible for the equipment, the (dead) patient is.

One of them days at work?

[Lamron]

LOL, that's an OLD post!

[Major_A]

I wondered why that sounded so familiar
Somehow I ended up on the first page and didn't realize it.

I guess that can happen when you have 2 browsers,
15 - 20 tabs on each one, while outlook is open and receiving,
at the same time trying to stop youtube from starting the
last video you watched...hate it when my machine
decides to reboot

Not that it happened from that, but probly just
another Maj_Dumb@ moment

[RedRock]

Geez, Major, that sounds like my wife's computer, right after I have to go over and unfreeze it and restart it and fix it.
Again.

[Major_A]

talk about a joke with this...My son likes to play mohaa with me and we take turns. Sometimes I let him play on his own. I'm not sure if I posted video of him playing or not but here are a couple. He can actually use a trackball and keyboard without looking.

grumpyoldbastards.net/Majors_stuff/preston/100_5498.MOV
grumpyoldbastards.net/Majors_stuff/preston/100_5506.MOV

Anyway I have to have my screensaver set on 1 min and password it or he comes over and loads the game and goes to the server...He's only 2!

The little @hole figured out how to circumvent the screensaver and password...
he climbs under my chair and pushes the reset and/or power button and waits for the system to come back up.

too smart for his own good I guess

[popeye]

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.





The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'





Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'





Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'




Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'





Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'





A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'




Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898'





The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.'

[RedRock]

Cute little critter, major! But you know you're warping him for life, right? LOL.

[YOUR_DADDY]

SIDE BY SIDE



A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? 'You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot by that robber, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right there.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?'


'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.


'I think you're bad luck... Get the f@#k away from me..' ;D

[Major_A]

LMAO