Joke of the day

[Lost_Child]

NYMPHOMANIAC CONVENTION:



A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he
glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He
soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would
have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a
conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting
next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from
my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about
sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men
are the most well endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native
American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when
actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also
discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the
Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm
sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I
don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba

[I...Died...Again!!!]

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, while awaiting their respective flights.

One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show, and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big, sweat-stained hat forward over his face.

The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks. "At one time here, my people were many; but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth to the other.

From the darkness beneath his Stetson, he says in a smooth drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."

Best if read by Big Daddy....ROFLMAO ;D

[RedRock]

sillyperson said:

A young cowboy walks into the town cafe.

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili..........................................barfs up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says,

"Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

dreamingshadow said:

ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGG and I just ate Chinese food before reading this too...

Well, just remember the old chinese adage: Mice is nice, but chum is yum.

[Death's Shadow]

yuck lol

[I...Died...Again!!!]

The Chinese newlyweds

Read in your best Chinese accent ;D

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask.Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....

"You want...... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?"

[Marauder(CDN)]

Cinderalla is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderellasaid,
'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all theseyears'?

The fairy godmother replied,
'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you.
Isthere anything for which your heart still yearns?'

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said,
'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'

The fairy godmother replied,
'It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?'

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.Cinderellafelt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'

Cinderellalooks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says,
'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat,
into a kind and handsome young man.'

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said,
'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmotherwas gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, &held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

'Bet you're sorry you neutered me.'

[Gen.Savahoe]

ROFLMAO ;D
That Was perfect.........I Love it!!!!

[I...Died...Again!!!]

This attached photo was taken at a competition in June 2006. The competition
was between 9 women for best makeover. They had every possible beauty
treatment available to them over a period of 12 hours before the contest.
Look at the before and after photos. It really is Shocking! Conclusion -
there are no ugly women * (see below), only poor women.... If you had the
money....Good Grief!!! BTW, the woman 2 nd from the left won the contest.



All the money has not helped in the least!!!



DS you thought you would Hurl at the Chili Joke

[I...Died...Again!!!]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: He crossed the road to steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is a integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C .. ... reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? It’s all relative, you know.

BILL CLINTON: (wagging his finger) I DID NOT cross the road with THAT chicken!
Or: It depends on what your definition of “chicken” is.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

[Marauder(CDN)]

Got To Pee


A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox.
The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was
told by his mother to always be polite and don't
talk about private matters in public.
At first he holds it in for a little while because
he does not know what to say to the little girl
to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his
Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse
herself from the table.
So he turns to the little girl and says "Will you
excuse me I have to go powder my nose". And
saying that he leaps out of the sandbox
and runs to the washroom.
When he comes back the little girl looks up
at him and asks "Did you powder your nose?"
"Yes" said the little boy stepping
back into the sandbox.
"Well then" says the little girl, "You'd better close
your purse because your lipstick is hanging out."

[Marauder(CDN)]

REDNECK MAMA

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...

"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL YOURS???"

"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma, sighs having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy." "OK, and who's next?" "Well, this one he is Leroy, also."

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all Boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?"

Their Momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes arunnin.' An 'if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"I call them by their last names."

[Gen.Savahoe]

;D ;D LMAO!!!!!!!!....Mar you need meds!!!

[RedRock]

It would be sad.......if it weren't so close to the truth! (babies by different dads, that is, and shooting 'em out so fast, it's like telling the obstetrician to go out for a pass from the welfare mom quarterback)

[Death's Shadow]

IDA .. you are truly a sick individual, that (gag) clinton cover made me barf my toenails up. Talk about birth control.. ewwwwwwww and yuck....

maybe the welfare office should insist that the "welfare moms" have that pic posted above their headboards. LOL

[I...Died...Again!!!]

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

=========================================================

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of fa ce and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.

22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty < br litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.

31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.

34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.

37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $20.00

Total -- $4,145.00

But you know the job was done right!