Joke of the day

[RedRock]

The first one and its companions (Women Learn Your Limits, etc.) were very humorous!

[Lost_Child]

Have you heard the latest?
There will be no Nativity Scene in the United States Congress this year! The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States Capitol this Christmas Season.










This isn't for any religious reason; they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's Capitol.

[I...Died...Again!!!]

But they found plenty of Asses.

[a Silly Person]

[Marauder(CDN)]

it is long...but I found it amusing...


Diary of a new home owner and snow shoveler, probable location - North East

December 8 - 6:00 PM
It started to snow.
The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat
for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven.
It looked like a Grandma Moses Print.
So romantic we felt like newlyweds again.
I love snow!

December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch
of the landscape.What a fantastic sight!Can there be a lovelier place in the whole world?
Moving here was the best idea I've ever had!Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again.
I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and
closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again.What a perfect life!

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow.Such a disappointment!
My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas.
No snow on Christmas would be awful!
Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again
I don't think that's possible.Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night.The temperature dropped to -20.
The cold makes everything sparkle so.The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the
driveway and sidewalks.This is the life!
The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again.I didn't realize I would have to do quite
this much shoveling, but I'llcertainly get back in shape this way.
I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15
20 inches forecast.Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels.Stocked the freezer.
The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out.I think that's silly.
We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16
Ice storm this morning.Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt.
Hurt like hell.The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17
Still way below freezing.Roads are too icy to go anywhere.Electricity was off for 5 hours.
I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try
not to irritate her.Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her.
God I hate it when she's right.I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night.
More shoveling! Took all day.The damn snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey.
I think they're lying.
Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snowblower and they're out.
Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying.
Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me.I think he's lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today,
and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up
to go out to shovel and then I had to piss.
By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel.
Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter,but he says he's too busy.

I think the asshole is lying.

December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today.And it warmed up to 0.
The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning.
What is she, nuts?!!
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago?
She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel.Thought I was having a heart attack.
If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by
his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel.
I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the
street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!
Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents,
but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25
Merry freaking Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight.Snowed in!
The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil.God, I hate the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.
The wife says I have a bad attitude.I think she's an idiot.
If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in.Why the hell did I ever move here?
It was all HER idea!
She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14hours of waiting for him,
he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in.
The harpie is driving me crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches.
Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.That's the silliest thing I ever heard.
How dumb does he think I am?

December 30
Roof caved in.
I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating
I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass.
The wife went home to her mother.Nine more inches predicted.

December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house.No more shoveling!

January 8
Feel so good.
I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
Why am I tied to the bed?

[Death's Shadow]

LMAO..

I feel this man's pain.. Snow sucks.. hate it with a passion.

[Lamron]

Snow is the most wonderful, magical thing... until you get old enough to shovel it or drive in it.

[Gen.Savahoe]

;D That is hilarious!!!!!!! I love it....the joke....not snow!
We only got a dusting last year, although it was cold most the winter....won't mind getting snow this year....need something new to bitch about!!!!!!!!

[daffy_duck]

probable location north east? nope definitley b.c.been there shoveled that, the only difference is the snow plow driver is twice my size. i asked municipal if they only hire really big snow plow drivers. they said no. i think their lying. and the cat for sale? thats mine. it's only sunbathing.

[a Silly Person]

Great story Mar!
I can "relate" to that.

;D

[A_ROOKIE]

'The Obedient Wife'

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait just a moment!'

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, 'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'
'
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'

'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my
account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'

[Death's Shadow]

LMAO..
I have heard variations on this one before Rookie.. but still cracks me up every time.

[Fledermaus]

Here is a joke that was forwarded to me that I thought you might enjoy:


The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady

because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what

it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new

husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little

about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all

those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and

she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a

banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster

when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now

in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked

why she had married four men with such diverse careers

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money,

two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

[a Silly Person]

[Marauder(CDN)]

I think it wants you to catch it Silly