Joke of the day

[RedRock]

dreamingshadow said:

OMG .... That was just so wrong it was funny.. cant decide what was better the frantic back pedaling or the limp body sliding off the car.. LMAO

Nope, was the head falling down into the interior of the car!

[I...Died...Again!!!]

This is an old one but then again we ain't getting any younger either.



Subject: Sex Caloric Burner Calculator


CALORIES BURNED DURING SEX!

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:

With her consent
12 Calories

Without her consent
2,187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:

With both hands
8 Calories

With one hand
12 Calories

With your teeth
485 Calories


PUTTING ON A CONDOM:

With an erection
6 Calories

Without an erection
3,315 Calories

POSITIONS:

Missionary
12 Calories

69 lying down
78 Calories

69 standing up
812 Calories

Wheelbarrow
216 Calories

Doggy Style
326 Calories

Italian chandelier
2,912 Calories


ORGASMS:

Real
112 Calories

Fake
1,315 Calories


POST ORGASM:

Lying in bed hugging
18 Calories

Getting up immediately
36 Calories

Explaining why you got out of bed immediately
816 Calories


GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:

If you are:
20-29 years
36 Calories

30-39 years
80 Calories

40-49 years
124 Calories

50-59 years
1,972 Calories

60-69 years
7,916 Calories

70 and over
Results are still pending


DRESSING AFTERWORDS:

Calmly..
32 Calories

In a hurry
98 Calories

With her father knocking at the door
5,218 Calories

With your wife knocking at the door
13,521 Calories


Results may vary!

THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD
Right now, as you read this,
69 Million Americans are having SEX!
And you're on the computer!!!

[Lamron]

Finally! an exercise program I can live with!

Now I just need to find a victim exercise partner.

[A_ROOKIE]

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.

THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS!

[a Silly Person]

[I...Died...Again!!!]

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "OK then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won't have an answer to.
After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little nuts is adorable.

[I...Died...Again!!!]

Silly's Poem ;D

My forgetter's getting better
But my rememberer is broke
to you that may seem funny
but, to me, that is no joke

For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there"
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say "what am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, need,
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, "who's that?"

Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.

[Gen.Savahoe]

;D ;D LMAO.....I have to give that poem to my Boss.......If he remebers how to read

[A_ROOKIE]

Are you a Democrat, Republican, or Southerner?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes
around the
corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah,
raises the
knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Glock 40 caliber, and you are an expert shot.
You have
mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
..............................................................


*Democrat's Answer:
*
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife
out of his
hand? What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message
does this
send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just
to wound
me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get
away while he
was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day, and make this
a happier,
healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some
friends for a few
days and try to come to a consensus.


................... .......................... .............


*Republican's Answer:
*
BANG!

..........................................................


*Southerner's Answer:*

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester
Silver Tips or
Hollow Points?"
Son: "Can I shoot the next one?!"
Wife: "You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!!!"

[a Silly Person]

lmao

[RedRock]

Oh, Rookie!!!! That was wonderful! We should make you an honorary Southerner!

PS. Only 8-shot mags? Tch Tch. My BDA 380 holds 13 in the mag and with one in the chamber, I get 14 shots before reloading. And I think the daughter would ask if they were "Winchester Silvertips or Federal Hydra-Shoks"!

[Lost_Child]

Only in Los Angeles my friends...Only in LA...Too bad...

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an LAPD motor
officer. He thinks that he is smarter than the officer because he is
a lawyer and is certain that he has a better education then any cop
from LAPD. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at
the officer's expense.

The officer says,' License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer.

The officer says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the officer. License
and registration, please.'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law.
License and registration, please! the officer says.

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow
down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you
give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the
ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the officer says.

At this point, the officer takes out his nightstick and starts
beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you
want me to stop, or just slow down?'
;D

[Death's Shadow]

LMAO rookie.. sounds like my family on that southerner thing.. my kid would be saying.. "rats dad, I didn't bring my gun. I want to shoot 'em too he twitches funny when the bullets hit him."

[a Silly Person]

Yep Lost, that is one of the jokes that I can actually remember... so I can tell it again later.

I always liked that one, LOL

[Marauder(CDN)]

VERY INTERESTING STUFF

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'

-------------------------------------------

Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury.

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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

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Coca-Cola was originally green.

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It is impossible to lick your elbow.

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The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska
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The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)

-------------------------------------------

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:
61,000
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

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The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

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The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar
------------------------------------------------------------------------
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?

A. Obsession
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?

A. One thousand
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?

A. All were invented by women.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?

A. Father's Day
------------------------------------------------------------


In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... 'goodnight, sleep tight.'

------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in oldEngland , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.'

It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'

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Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.

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At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

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-

Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

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YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.