Here is one for those of us who are thinking that we are getting old, fast, and that the game of softball may in some way be our last chance for fame.....
Softball starts with the word “Soft”, so already in its moniker the sport immediately lays claim to its lame nature. No sane individual should ever take the mindless sport of softball too seriously. Yet every summer and fall the diamonds are packed with rabid softball junkies who do. First and foremost, I fully admit that I love playing softball. It’s fun, there’s not much opportunity to get hurt, and you can get drunk while you play. (This is the same reason I love bowling and shooting pool) But lately, as I hit my thirties, I’ve noticed that the leagues are getting more and more competitive.
Is taking softball too seriously the ultimate in overzealousness? I think it just might be. So maybe it’s about time we laid down some helpful guidelines on proper softball etiquette.
1. Practice
We should be limited to one practice at the beginning of the season. We field four outfielders AND a DH. One practice is enough. And don’t even think about asking any of us to run. Just bring a red bull and a defibrillator to all the games and we should be golden.
2: Stretching Out
Stretching out before a game gets you loose and can prevent injuries and muscle strains. However it shouldn’t take more then 5-10 minutes, and should never involve you grunting like you are Conan the Barbarian. My favorite is the obligatory “AHHHHH” after each stretch. Better still is the “I wanna be Bo Jackson” stretch, with the bat over your head as you twist your fat torso.
3: Baseball Pants are for Baseball
I don’t even know where you went and bought those knit pants, but those are for playing baseball. This is softball, where the uniform is a $hitty t-shirt, shorts, and some kind of footwear that may, or may not, include flip-flops. I’m glad they’re pin-striped though. If you’re going to look like an a$$hole, look like a Yankee I suppose. (Side Gripe: Stirrups? Can anyone tell me why these are still around? We’ve cured cholera and women can vote now, so maybe it’s time baseball got some new sox)
Check out my Baseball pose!
In my Baseball pants!
4: Our Friend that “Likes to Play”
But sucks so much that innings can last up to 30 minutes because they're afraid to catch the ball. And when they end up throwing the ball, they look like someone with cerebral palsy having an orga$m. So maybe leave these hapless folks at the bar or, if they must be at the game, maybe make them the official beer caddy. Lord knows this Milwaukee’s Best Isn’t going to last through the 4th inning. BEER RUN!
5: Baseball Bats are Not Golf Clubs
So don’t talk about them like they are. I don’t care what synergy bat you got or how many leagues it’s illegal in. The fact is that you couldn’t hit a beach ball off a midget. From now on I’m referring to all of your fancy bats as “The Fat#####2000”
6: No Fighting
The only thing lamer then a bunch of dudes mixing it up over a softball game might be a couple of overweight lady's having a pillow fight. Grow up, its a 12 year old girls sport.
7: 16-inch Softballs? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Why would you ever need to play with one of these half-sized beach balls? Most of the time using a glove gets in the way, and some league’s version of these balls are actually stuffed with cotton so you can easily catch it without a glove. And don’t even think about trying for an extra base hit with one of these behemoths. They weigh more then Star Jones's 6th chin, and you’d be lucky to hit it out of the infield. Play with a real ball. Ok… I mean play with a real softball. It's 12 inches! Isn’t that big enough?
8: You Are Not Sandy Koufax
There has never been, nor will there ever be, a softball game that was won or lost with pitching. The motion of pitching a softball is same motion I would use on a Chuck E Cheese skee-ball machine. Nuff said there, eh, Nolan Ryan?
9: Don’t ##### about the Scoreboard Being Behind
“Hey, we got six runs, not five!” Yes, friend, we know. You see the scorekeeper is probably still preoccupied with writing it down in the book first before they had a chance to put it up on the old scoreboard out there in right field. Give him a minute. He’s probably just catching up. He might also have a pistol in his mouth as he’s 38 years old and he’s still a softball scorekeeper, for Christ sake! He has a degree in Criminology, godd@mn it!
10: Team Managers shouldn’t pretend they are REAL Managers
You can dispense with the pacing up and down the bench, and enough with the endless chatter while you’re in the field too. This is not Yankees versus Red Sox. This is The Black Forest Lounge Versus Clarksburg Die Cast. You are the "manager" of a softball team, for Christ’s sake! That means two things: At the end of the game you are the one that gets stuck with the dirty green canvas bag full of ####ty bats that no one uses, and you’re the one that gets stiffed collecting team dues. That’s it, Champ. Also, why do you have to look like you could only intimidate a team if you were a Bowler. mix in a salad.
11: No Temper Tantrums
Go ahead! Throw your glove down in disgust! Maybe even kick some bats over on your way into the dugout. It’s great when you act like you had everything riding on this BIG GAME! If you are ever pissy or sad after a losing effort in a softball game, take a look to the field on your right and notice that there are 4th grade girls playing the same game you are. Still feel so sad, Sally? Maybe we should go to Dairy Queen, huh? Would that make you feel better?
12: Stats
Why would you need to keep track of traditional baseball stats? I’d be more impressed if softball stats reflected more of what softball means to the people that play it. Stats like “Most Complete Games while Hung Over” or maybe even “Average beer consumed during games”. I think these would be the stats to strive for. Wow, that guy’s averaging a twelve-pack a game. That's the kind of production you want out of a player.
13: The On-Deck Circle
This is where you do some last minute stretching and swinging. This is not where you try to impress everyone with your ability to swing five bats at once. Honestly, we’d start getting impressed if you had about 12 bats. That would be some Barry Bonds Hulkamania $hit! You also don’t have to stand there and overanalyze the opposing team's pitcher in an effort to “Figure them Out” like you’re Peter Gammons or something. Hey, Teddy Ballgame! My guess is he’s going to try and lob it over the plate. What do you think?
14: Leave the $hitty Ump Alone
It’s bad enough he’s going through puberty in front of us, but to reprimand him over some call? Come on, man! And if it is a grown man, I am sure everyone thinks you are a cool Billy Martin when you come out and argue balls and strikes. Pull out the Tampon, and get a new hobby. You would not be playing if you did not have umps.
15: Chatter
Everyone likes support, but you don’t have to be that one guy that reminds everyone what to think during the game. Like where the batter hit it before, that he’s a lefty, or to put out my cigarette and get up off the ground in right field. You play your game, I’ll play mine.
