Joke of the day

[A_ROOKIE]

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to
death in a drive-in movie?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter."



--------------------------------------------------------------



Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?
There was a power outage, and twelve blondes
were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.

[A_ROOKIE]

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicodrem pactch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to
put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."


The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two
butts a day."











IF YOU'RE LAUGHING...YOU'RE GOING TO HELL!!!

[Lost_Child]

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is
stumbling
back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches
"Can I help you sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.

The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner
hanging
out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and
without
missing a beat, blurts out..........

"Holy crap ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"

[Marauder(CDN)]

Indian With One Testicle

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone." So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story? ..
.
.
.
.
OH, come on . take a guess!
.
.
.
.

Think about it
.
.
.
.
(You're going to love this!)
.
.
.
.

And the moral is:

*You can't kill two birds with one stone!*

[a Silly Person]

THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel, "

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129

It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Puff! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."

Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
BullShit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.
(3) And when you’re in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THIS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

[Death's Shadow]

LOL this was emailed to me by a friend I almost peed
myself when i read it. hope you like

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their
promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors,
razors, Nair and now...the wax.


Read on.........


My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home,
fix dinner play with the kids. I then had the thought that would
ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I
should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet."So
I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one
of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you
just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and
you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever
else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How
hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am
mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)


So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing
each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together,
my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it
to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the
strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and
pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it
wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes
me! I am She-rah, fighter of all way ward body hair and
maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.


With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the
kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair
fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one
foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the
wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering
the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the
inside of my butt cheek. (it was a long strip) I inhale
deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!!
Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!Vision
returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half
the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is
spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay
conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing
drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal. I want to
see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has
caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it.
I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body
hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is
the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???


Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the
toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the
strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax. I run my
fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is
now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the
next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon
the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot
down. Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!


I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what
to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge
to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the
wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest
water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the
wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently
wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*


I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that
used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical
equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having
your nether regions glued together, is having them glued
together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in
scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold
wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I
had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man
who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put
in the bathroom!!!!!I call my friend, thinking surely she
has waxed befor eand has some secret of how to get me
undone. It's a very good conversation starter" So, my butt
and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks
for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.
She wants to know exactly where the wax is located "Are we
talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?" She's laughing out loud
by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she
suggests I call the number on the side of the box.YEAH!!!!!
Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.


While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to
scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than
to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut,
stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving
the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, my
dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm
going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this
event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see
my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the
excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I
rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!


The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out
of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.
"IT WORKS!! I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and
she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the
wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS
STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT! So I recklessly shave it off.
Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated
my own leg at this point.


Next week I'm going to try hair color......

[psyckos]

DS.....hands down the funniest one I've read yet! My family thought I went insane because I was laughing so hard.

[michiganmilitia]

Holy Smokes DS!! I had to stop in the middle because the phone rang and I couldn't even talk when I answered. That was a good one!

[WidowMaker]

OMG!!! LMAO!!!
Thanks DS.. I needed that laugh.. ;D

[Death's Shadow]

LOL thanks im glad you guys and gal got a kick out of it . was just too good of a one to keep to my self. have a great day.

[Garp {eng}]

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country . . .we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives . . . "

Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex?

I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."
---------------------------------------------------

I'VE GOT £5.00 THAT SAYS YOU'RE GONNA READ THIS AGAIN

[michiganmilitia]

I owe ya £5.00 Garp...

[Marauder(CDN)]

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.


What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?

The position of the dirt bag


What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"


Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.


Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.


Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?

They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

[Lost_Child]

THE POWER OF ALCOHOL

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and
informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs.
The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as
well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad
takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and
orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar
patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in
disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then
bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to
drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip!
Plop!! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to
drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another
drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to
polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the
amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches
down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two
legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy
stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to
the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs
over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,

*

(Wait for it)

*

(It's coming)

*

(Ya ready?)

*

(Don't hate me)

*

(Ya gonna hate me)

*

(Take a deep breath)

*
*
*
"He should've quit while he was a head!"

[RedRock]

Funny, Lost! But I was expecting some other appendages to pop out (or and some others not), making the son into a non-son and ruining the proud father's day!