Joke of the day

[I...Died...Again!!!]

The second one is the best...LMAO

[Marauder(CDN)]

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."

[A_ROOKIE]

Two hillbillies walk into a Dairy Queen.
While having a couple of Blizzards, they
talk privately about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, eating a
chicken sandwich, begins to cough.

After a while, it becomes apparent that she is
in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks
at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman
shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue,
eyes widen and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly strolls over to the woman, lifts
up the back of her dress, yanks down her
drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek
a long lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent
spasm and the obstruction flies out of her
mouth. She begins to breathe again; the
hillbilly ambles smugly back to his table.

His buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there
'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never
seen nobody do it.

[Death's Shadow]

holy crap.. lmao TFF rookie... ;D

[I...Died...Again!!!]

Let's just call this one funny but wrong!

Never turn your nose up at anyone...

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday:
A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked:

What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the

successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"

The fourth man replied:"My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two Weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends .

[I...Died...Again!!!]

The good old days when TV was Funny!

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may
bring tears to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the
days when the "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. These gave my belly a work-out.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you
be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a
woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you
think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's
married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands
while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll
give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to
get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not , I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling , what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.
One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose
do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into
the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,
what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and
has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in
bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

[psyckos]

THIS WAS VOTED BEST SHORT JOKE OF 2007

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" little Joseph told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike.

[I...Died...Again!!!]

That was too funny....Almost spewed soda from by nose!

[a Silly Person]

These are great!

Keep them coming!

;D ;D ;D

[Marauder(CDN)]

[Marauder(CDN)]

LITTLE TONY ON MATH
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence
and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on
little TONY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking."

Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice
cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is
biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the
one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with
the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."


LITTLE TONY ON MATH (Part 2)
Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in
arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies TONY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f****ng difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"

LITTLETONY ON ENGLISH
Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are
going to learn
multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"

TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a
mouthful."

Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a
show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the
same sentence twice.

First, she called! on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father
bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in
it."

"Very good, Suzie,"
replied the teacher. She then called on little
Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out
beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly
called on little TONY.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she
was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f****ng beautiful!'

LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER

Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar
after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from
him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you.
It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years
old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own f****ng business.

I LOVE Little Tony

[psyckos]

I've been ordered back to Sensitivity Training...

I rear ended a car a few days ago.......

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He was mad !!

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT happy!"

I said, "OK, then, which one ARE you?"

[psyckos]

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.

Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.

"What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
"Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay," said the Mom, "I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."
"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

[a Silly Person]

Here are some quotes and statements that might be useful in the "signature" line of your posts.


Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher,
"Aim towards the Enemy."

*
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
- U.S. Marine Corps' manual.

*
"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- USAF Ammo Troop

*
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." -
Infantry Journal

*
"It is generally inadvisable to eject....directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual

*
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered atomic weapons."
- General Macarthur

*
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal

*
"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance

*
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal

*
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."
- U.S. Navy Swabbie

*
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- David Hackworth

*
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal

*
"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."

*
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you
– Your Buddies

*
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
- USAF Ammo Troop

*
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil.For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan

*
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

*
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

*
Typical Navy truism: “There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."
- From an old submarine sailor

*
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

*
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, ... The pilot dies."

*
"Never trade luck for skill."

*
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...!"

*
"Progress in airline aviation: Now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."

*
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."

*
"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."

*
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"

*
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

*
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world...it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

*
"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't...flying his plane to its maximum."
- Jon McBride, astronaut

*
"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible." - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

*
"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."

*
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

*
Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by.... the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.
It is much more difficult to fly there."

*
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked ... when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."

*
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?".

The pilot's reply: "Hey!! I don't know, I just got here myself!"

[a Silly Person]

A VERY ugly man walks into the bar with a big grin on his face and orders a draft beer.

"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard, was she pretty?"

"Dunno... Never found the head!"