Joke of the day

[Death's Shadow]

Silly you sicko .. that is a good one though ... hehehehe ;D

[RedRock]

(LOL, I hope I haven't told this one earlier in this thread!)

"You know," a guy says to his buddy down at the local pub, "I think my wife's dead."
"Why?" says the buddy.
"Well," he says after taking a long drink of his beer, "the sex is the same, but the dishes are starting to pile up."

[a Silly Person]

LMAO!!!

[daffy_duck]

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back
and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.

The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man is hanging out of
his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused,the drunk looks down at his crotch and without
missing a beat, blurts out..........

"Holy shit ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"

[Death's Shadow]

Lmao Daffy..

[a Silly Person]

Old Timer sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle, he thinks to himself, 'I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.' So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex the policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, 'this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.' So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply.......

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

[Lamron]

LOL!!!!!

[Death's Shadow]

OMG!!! wow lol very good one Silly.

[Marauder(CDN)]

holy crap..I loved it!


I had this sent to me and got a good chuckle

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true

friendship.



You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-

Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.



1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge

against The sorry bastard who made you sad.



2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking

you.



3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I

must

be involved in.



4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I

get.



5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about

how much Worse it could be until you quit whining.



6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.



7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are

well

Again. I don't want whatever you have.



8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.



9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask;

"because you are my friend".



Friendship is like peeing your pants,

everyone can see it,

But only you can feel the true warmth.



Send this to 10 of your closest friends,

Then get depressed because you can only think

of 4.

[a Silly Person]

I always liked that one too Mar. It kinda reminds me of that old saying:

A good friend will come down to the police station to bring you home.

A great friend will be sitting in the same cell next to you saying, "Damn that was fun!"

[RedRock]

Friends help you move.
Good friends help you move bodies.

[a Silly Person]

A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the motor officer. The violator demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride.

The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done with writing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the violator for his signature.

The guy signs the cite angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer then removes his mirror sunglasses, get in the middle of the guys face and say, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an Asshole!"

Three months later they are in court. The violator has such a bad record he's about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks: "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?"

Officer responds: "Yes sir, this is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top. "

Attorney: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make?"

Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an 'AH', underlined.

Attorney: "What does the AH stand for, officer?"

Officer: "'Aggressive" and 'Hostile', Sir"

Attorney: "'Aggressive' and 'Hostile'"

Officer: "Yes Sir."

Attorney: "Officer,,, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"

Officer: "Well Sir, you know your client better than I do!"

[psyckos]

Bored at work? Here's some ideas to kill time.

ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES

1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.

2) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

3) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name

and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

4) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over

your ears and grimace.

5) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it

out, say,"Sorry, I really prefer it this way."

6) Walk sideways to the photocopier.

7) While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors
open.





THREE-POINT DARES

1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with
double-barreled fingers.

2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee, and then ask, "Did you get
all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."

3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).

4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from he nozzle
(there must be a 'non-player' within sight).

5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting. (I do this all the
time...)



FIVE POINT DARES

1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to
conclude with the singing of the national anthem (5 extra

points if you actually launch into it yourself).

2) Walk into a very busy
person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn
the light switch on/off 10 times.

3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob."

4) Announce to
everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two."

5) After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As
in "The report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for 1 hour.

6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

[glow=red,2,300]7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and
mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!" Personal Favorite[/glow]

8) At lunchtime, get down on
your knees and announce, "As God as my witness, I'll never go hungry
again."

9) In a colleague's DAY PLANNER, write in the 10am slot: "See how
I look in tights."(5 Extra points if it is a male, 5 more if he is your
boss)

10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "You wanna
trade?"

11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do
you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk
about it."

13) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a
lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.

14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very
important conference call.15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around
your desk.

16) Hang a 2' long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and
act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

17) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuits,smashing
each biscuit with your fist.

18) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the
door.

19) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee,
move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

[psyckos]

The Female Genie

While trying to escape through Pakistan , Osama Bin Laden found a bottle
on the sand & picked it up.

Suddenly, a female Genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said,
"Master, may I grant you one wish?"

Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy Daughter-of-a-dog!
Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me
anything."

The shocked Genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be
returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the
woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you."

The annoyed Genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya
Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side.

His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.

[a Silly Person]

Evil, wicked, Mean and Nasty Genie,
I like her already!

Who else can we send that bottle to that is in dire need of a "get what you deserve" wish? ;D