Joke of the day

[YOUR_DADDY]

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence: 'Get well soon...from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.'

[Death's Shadow]

lmao.. that is just so wrong..

[Killer_Monkey]

LMAO!! LOL that is one way to show him how she feels LOL!

[a Silly Person]

This is an old one but no matter how many times I read it, I still enjoy it.


Just what every woman is looking for. A man with the sensitivity to pick the perfect gift for his wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this last weekend.

I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.
The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button; Nothing; I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time - I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs; AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference. Pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries)thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best......

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.


A three second burst would be considered conservative! SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!



A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

[Killer_Monkey]

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW COULD SOMEONE BE THAT STUPID?? LOL LIKE YOU WOULD REALLY LET GO OF THE BUTTON. YEAH RIGHT! THAT IS A MAN FOR YA. LOL GOOD ONE SILLS!

[YOUR_DADDY]

For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Joe heading out the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Joe told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike."

[a Silly Person]

LOL

[Death's Shadow]

LMAO

[Killer_Monkey]

LOL

[Killer_Monkey]

Clemson Wedding -- A long, true story

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. This was a huge wedding with over 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage and took the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. Taped to the bottom of everyone's chair (even the chairs of the wedding party) was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open their envelopes.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. (He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.) After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said ''F--- you !'' he then turned to the bride and said ''F--- you !'' and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said..... ''Thanks, I'm out of here.''

He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong. His revenge: 1) Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception. 2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. 3) And best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc.... Ya gotta love this guy.

[YOUR_DADDY]

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money. Once he is
given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, 'Did you see me rob
this bank?' the man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.' The robber then shot
him in the temple, killing him instantly. He then turned to a couple
standing next and asked the man, 'Did you see me rob this bank?' The
man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did.'

[Killer_Monkey]

LOL that is so mean!!!

[Death's Shadow]

LMAO Priceless

[YOUR_DADDY]

> >> Subject: Two Nuns Painting
> >>
> >>
> >>>>>
> >>>>> Two Nuns Painting
> >>>>> Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
> >>>>> instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a
> >>>>> drop of paint on their habits.After conferring about this for a
> >>>>> while, the two nuns decide to lock
> >>>>> the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
> >>>>> In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who
> >>>>> is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from
> >>>>> the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and
> >>>>> shrug, and deciding that no harm
> >>>>> can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
> >>>>> "Nice boobs," says the man, "where do you want the blinds".

[vinsanity]

LOL!