Joke of the day

[Urumii-Previously ThePresident]

LOL!!!!! That one really got me laughing.

[Gen.Savahoe]

;D ;D ;D ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Killer_Monkey]

ROFL that was a good one

[YOUR_DADDY]

Mental Hospital

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,and all the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'
The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

;D ;D ;D ;D

[Killer_Monkey]

LOL YD but silly P already posted that one......but it is still funny

[YOUR_DADDY]

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch! ;D ;D ;D ;D

[popeye]

SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW
'WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH
1000 ALQAEDA TERRORISTS

THAN WITH ONE SINGLE BRITISH or AMERICAN SOLDIER!'

The sign was prominently displayed in a window of business premises in Campbeltown, Scotland !

You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.




However, we are a society which holds
Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.


And after all, it is only a sign.

You may ask, 'what kind of business would dare post such a sign ?.'



Answer:
A Funeral Home

(Who said morticians had no sense of humour?)
You gotta love it!!!

God Bless Bonnie Scotland

[a Silly Person]

Good one Pop!

;D

[Killer_Monkey]

LOL!

[Lost_Child]

Wal-Mart was stanky!!

Here's the thing.

I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of
coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened
No 'Watson's Movement 2'.

Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my
intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning
symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I
bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often
haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and
began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was
at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm
referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the
wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.
In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines,
forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one
step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it
happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a
noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded.
I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body,
and
I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned
into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction
would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she
walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different
directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at
least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked
into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible
that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand
there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward
off angry bees.

This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down',
if you know what I mean.

With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region.
Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a
few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the
store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through
the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying
that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the
inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is
burning SO BAD, purging.

One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning
of 'Shock and Awe'.
He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then quickly
left.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart
intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me
and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes

It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is
going to
run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of
the problem. That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape
me.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose
and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off
returning moments later with the manager.

I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not
to return.
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat
but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.

The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that
because we are in court
over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the
store..

[Major_A]

When I hit the button to show 20 most recent posts, this came up, and haveing worked at walmart in the past it forced me to read it.

Needless to say that not even half way through, my wife yelled at me because I was laughing so hard I almost woke the baby up.

And what made her more mad was the fact it took me 10 minutes to read because I had to keep wiping the tears from my eyes and pause before I could continue.

Thanks, btw I was trying to stay up later without her knowing.

[a Silly Person]

The peppers fired a warning shot

ROFLMAO

Way too funny!

I feel your pain, Major @. My head has so much pressure built up in it right now because I am trying to laugh as quietly as I can.

[RedRock]

LOL. That peppers one brings up one.......ripe......memory. Years ago I attended a fancy fancy company dinner at a French restaurant, and we were all in a banquet room, and I was experiencing a quiet but rather smelly and recurring problem. Fortunately, I was at an end position on the table and no one else had yet set in the seats immediately next to me. Well, timing it as best as I could, with no one moving toward me, a small but particularly dense and very aromatic "cloud" was at last allowed to be issued. About one second after that, a gorgeous blonde waiter walked up to me from behind, bent over my shoulder, and began to ask "And would Monsieur...." but stopped as her eyes opened wide and she swallowed ever so softly. She almost didn't miss a beat, though, to her credit, and continued as if nothing were wrong, and said ".....like anything to drink before dinner?" I just said, "Thank you, no." without meeting her eyes, as I'm sure I was turning red. I didn't see her again that night!

[a Silly Person]

Great Story Red!

LOL

Why is it, that when I find myself shopping in a large store that has no more than 4 customers rummaging around the aisles, one of them will suddenly feel the urge to visit the aisle I just "Duck-Snorted" in?

My Son, who is in the Marines now has the absolute worst smelling farts I have ever been exposed to. He gets a lot of grief for this where ever he is stationed so it's not JUST ME.

He told me about a certain instance where he had to relieve himself and tried to do it in a non-populated area. Immediately after he released the somewhat toxic fumes fly, another Marine entered the area of my son's cloud. He stopped in mid-stride and mid-sentence and blurted out the phrase, "Direct Hit". He then waved his hand in front of his face and fled the scene in Double-Time. ;D

[Major_A]

So what your saying is the above really happened, just with a little embellishment? Thats funny man....my chest still hurts from trying to stifle the laughter!