Death's Shadow
LPmember
I have become Death. The destroyer of worlds.
Posts: 3,184 
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Post by Death's Shadow on Apr 2, 2007 1:57:35 GMT -5
Here ya go another emailed to me joke..
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"pointing to he bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?
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RedRock
LPmember
Never ask what kind of computer a person uses--if it's a Mac, he'll say; if not, why embarrass him?
Posts: 4,972
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Post by RedRock on Apr 3, 2007 1:52:32 GMT -5
Organ, LOL.
We should all keep our pipes cleaned out!
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a Silly Person
New Member
Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
Posts: 1,370
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Post by a Silly Person on Apr 3, 2007 11:52:12 GMT -5
Good one DS!
Here is one for you...well actually it's a bunch of one-liners called...
Deep Thoughts
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like......night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Depression is like anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese in the trap.
Support bacteria..........they're the only culture some people have.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? OK, then raise my hand.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
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Death's Shadow
LPmember
I have become Death. The destroyer of worlds.
Posts: 3,184
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Post by Death's Shadow on Apr 3, 2007 16:36:24 GMT -5
lol good ones silly.. i like the early bird one.. now how to get mar into the trap so i can steal the cheese .... hmmmmmmm
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desmo2
New Member
Molon Labe
Posts: 891
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Post by desmo2 on Apr 3, 2007 17:09:16 GMT -5
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
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Death's Shadow
LPmember
I have become Death. The destroyer of worlds.
Posts: 3,184
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Post by Death's Shadow on Apr 3, 2007 19:31:30 GMT -5
lmao des
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a Silly Person
New Member
Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
Posts: 1,370
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Post by a Silly Person on Apr 3, 2007 22:42:02 GMT -5
Great one Des! I saw that one a while ago... but I still had to laugh.
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a Silly Person
New Member
Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
Posts: 1,370
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Post by a Silly Person on Apr 3, 2007 22:50:29 GMT -5
Dry cleaning bill
Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at
a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself.
"Oh no . . . Now my wife will kill me!."
Bob says,
"Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your
wife that someone threw up
on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually, Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.
"You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself!
You're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully, so as not to slur his words, Larry says,
"Nowainaminit. I can esplain everythin.
Itsh snot what jew think.
I only had a cupla drrrinks.
Bus thiss other guy got ssick on me . . .he had one too many, an he juss
koudin hold hiss liquor.
He said he was verrrrry sorry an' gave me tweneeie bucks for the cleaning
bill!"
His wife looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks."
"Oh yeah . . . I almos' fergot, he shhh*t in my pants too.
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Death's Shadow
LPmember
I have become Death. The destroyer of worlds.
Posts: 3,184
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Post by Death's Shadow on Apr 4, 2007 8:06:02 GMT -5
lmao silly an oldie but still a goodie
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desmo2
New Member
Molon Labe
Posts: 891
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Post by desmo2 on Apr 6, 2007 15:15:42 GMT -5
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a new husband. At the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the
value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may
choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down
except to exit the building!"
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
"Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs."
The second floor sign reads:
"Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids."
The third floor sign reads:
"Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are Drop-dead
Gorgeous."
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
"Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous and Help With Housework."
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she
goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
"Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak."
She is so tempted to make her purchase here, but she can't resist the desire to see what is a level up! Cost be damned! So she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
"Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no
men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the New Husband Store."
To avoid gender bias accusations, the store's owner also opens a New Wives store just across the street..........
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
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A_ROOKIE
New Member
When the pain of where you are becomes greater then the fear of where your going, you'll move.
Posts: 716
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Post by A_ROOKIE on Apr 6, 2007 18:21:07 GMT -5
A cowboy walks into the dentist's office and after
the dentist
examines him, he says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."
The cowboy grabs the doc's arm, "No way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!"
So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas."
The man replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."
So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water. "Here," he says. "Take this pill."
"What is it?" asks the cowboy. The doc replies, "Viagra."
The cowboy looks surprised. "Will that kill the pain?" he asks. "No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while
I pull your tooth."
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Post by michiganmilitia on Apr 6, 2007 21:54:13 GMT -5
lmao! good one Rook!  |
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RedRock
LPmember
Never ask what kind of computer a person uses--if it's a Mac, he'll say; if not, why embarrass him?
Posts: 4,972
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Post by RedRock on Apr 7, 2007 11:40:34 GMT -5
LOL, that gives new meaning to the name of the Dentist from the orgininal M*A*S*H book and movie (anyone remember it?). The theme song of M*A*S*H, "Suicide is painless," is directly about this (hum the music to yourself)-- "'Cause, Suicide is painless, It brings on many changes And I can take or leave it if I please....." Anyone remember the Dentist's name yet?  Played by John Schuck. Wait for it........  The Painless POLE! www.geocities.com/~cheshyre/Song.htm |
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a Silly Person
New Member
Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
Posts: 1,370
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Post by a Silly Person on Apr 7, 2007 13:19:28 GMT -5
Good ones Desmo & Rookie!
And Red... thanks for reminding me that I have got to watch that movie again!
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popeye
New Member
think ONCE,think TWICE,think-BIKE!
Posts: 684
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Post by popeye on Apr 8, 2007 1:40:33 GMT -5
a bus driving pensioners to an outing on the coast.well a little old lady goes up to the driver and offers him a handful of nuts!.."thank-you" says the drver..a short while later she offers him more nuts...the driver gleefuly eats them..a while later she's back with more nuts! "why dont you eat them yourself?" he says.."well,to be honest i have no teeth,and i just enjoy sucking the chocolate off them!" lol
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Played by John Schuck.