Joke of the day. Part 2

[Death's Shadow]

LMAO

[Sgt_Blueberry]

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him.
'My name is Carmen,' she told him.
That's a beautiful name,' he replied. 'Is it a family name?'
No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most, cars and men.
What's your name?' she asked.
He said, 'B.J. Titsengolf.'

[Sgt_Blueberry]

WAL MART INTERVIEW

Jennifer a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.'

[a Silly Person]

LOL, this is proof-positive that there really is nothing "common" when it comes to common sense.

[Lamron]

A rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a real ly good job, and the ranch looks great You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.'Now take off my socks.'

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

[a Silly Person]

LOL

[RedRock]

lol, Good thing you added "She was a very good-looking woman" or I'd have wondered if the ranch hand looked better in the clothing than she!!!

[Death's Shadow]

LMAO

[a Silly Person]

[YOUR_DADDY]

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.' 'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.

[Sgt_Blueberry]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an
amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the
mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were
interested. Both said they were very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining
that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever
experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine
and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The
husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's
blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued
to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the
husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife
delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had
experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic........

When they got home they found the UPS man dead on the porch.

;D

[Death's Shadow]

lol

[Sgt_Blueberry]

Top 10 reasons a gun is favored over a woman...

#10 You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

# 9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when
you're on the road.

# 8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably
let you try it out a few times.

# 7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

# 6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

# 5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space

# 4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

# 3. A gun doesn't ask , 'Do these new grips make me look fat?'

# 2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....

# 1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

[Death's Shadow]

LOL good ones and true all of them.

[Lamron]

Feb 9, 2009 11:34:50 GMT -5 Sgt_Blueberry said:

# 8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably
let you try it out a few times.

That's why its nice to have gun owning friends. It doesn't matter which of us buys the new gun, we're all going to get to shoot it. ;D