Joke of the day. Part 2

[Lost_Child]

The Recipe

I knew it......
I knew they would eventually release the ingredients in Viagra!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat

[YOUR_DADDY]

needs more fix-a-flat...................LOL

[popeye]

>>> Working people frequently ask retired people what they
>>> do to make their days interesting.
>>>
>>> Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went
>>> into town and went into a shop. We were only in there
>>> for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop
>>> writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and
>>> said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen
>>> a break'. He ignored us and continued writing the
>>> ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and
>>> started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
>>>
>>> So my wife called him a sh*t-head. He finished the
>>> second ticket and put it on the windshield with the
>>> first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This
>>> went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him,
>>> the more tickets he wrote.
>>>
>>> Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.
>>> We try to have a little fun each day now that we're
>>> retired. It's important at our age.

[YOUR_DADDY]

Confucious say: "Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok."

[a Silly Person]

Where to live after retirement

You can live in Phoenix , Arizona where.....

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because
you found shade.

2. You've experienced condensation on your butt
from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction
and never leave town.

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food

5. You know that 'dry heat' is comparable to
what hits you in the face when you open your
oven door.

6 The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot,
and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!



You can Live in California where..

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't
afford to buy a house.

2. The fastest part of your commute is going
down your driveway.

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your
neighborhood block party.

5. When someone asks you how far something is,
you tell them howlong it will take to get there
rather than how many miles away it is.

6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and
Drought



You can Live in New York City where...

1. You say 'the city' and expect everyone to
know you mean Manhattan

2. You can get into a four-hour argument
about how to get from Columbus Circle to
Battery Park, but can't findWisconsin on a map.

3. You think Central Park is 'nature,'

4. You believe that being able to swear at
people in their own language makes you
multi-lingual.

5. You've worn out a car horn.

6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.



You can Live in Minnesota where...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper,
ketchup, and Tabasco .

2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.

3. You have more than one recipe for moose.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less
than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter,
almost winter, and construction.



You can Live in the Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the
same store.

2. 'y'all' is singular and 'all y'all' is plural.

3. 'He needed killin'' is a valid defense.

4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob ,
Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY
BETH, etc.



You can live in Colorado where..

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike
atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up
Granola on his way home and he stops
at the day care center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or
dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but
you still have a pony tail.



You can live in the Midwest where...

1. You've never met any celebrities,
but the mayor knows your name

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars
waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from 'heat' to
'A/C' on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition:
'Where's my coat at?'

5. When asked how your trip was to
any exotic place, you say, 'It was
different!'



AND You can live in Florida where..

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of
some kind -- even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere
in the state.

5 Cars in front of you are often driven
by headless people.

[RedRock]

Now that's funny, Silly! My favorite one:

2. You tell your husband to pick up
Granola on his way home and he stops
at the day care center.

[Lamron]

3. You have had to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' on the same day.

That could be any day in Spring or Fall in Indiana!

[Urumii-Previously ThePresident]

I switch from ac to heat here in Minnesota. Was 92 yesterday and 59 last night.

[a Silly Person]

My fav was #5 on the Florida one.

Short little old ladies driving cars that can't hardly see over the dashboard.

[Lost_Child]

"2. 'y'all' is singular and 'all y'all' is plural."

This is wrong, HOW ??
And what's with the apostrophes ??
Yall tell me ;D

[RedRock]

Y'all is indeed "you all" and is correct as is, not needing "all" added to it be plural, as it's already plural, unless there is need to emphasize, satirize, or express outrage that every last cotton pickin' one of y'all is indeed included in the "y'all."
One says "Are y'all goin' to the movies?" and not "Are all y'all goin' to the movies?" for just a casual question to find out if some or most of the questioned group is/are going.
But if there is no way that every single one of y'all are going, then "Are ALL y'all goin' to the movies?" as a statement of incredulity, rather than an interrogatory to gain information, is correct.
But then, y'all know how yankees always mangle the English language! So expect 'em (all of them) to mess it up.

[Lamron]

"You" is the noun, and "all" is the adjective. So "y'all" is referring to a singular group of unknown size (comprised of more than one "you", but not necessarily everyone present).

"All y'all" would encompass ALL of the possible "y'all" singular groups form-able among the available people. So its not really plural, its just a further modifier attached to the modified noun indicating that this singular super group includes everyone present. You can't make a plural form of a word that is all-inclusive, by definition.


You could make it possessive with "y'all's" or "all y'all's", or indicate that one group is owned by another with "y'all's y'all", but that's not a phrase you would get to use very often.

[Urumii-Previously ThePresident]

Geeks.






lmao!!!

[a Silly Person]

Did y'all get that?

There will be a pop-quiz on this later on in the week.

[Lost_Child]

The Chief was bragging to the Ensign one day. "You know, I know everyone
there is to know. Just name Someone, Anyone and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, the Ensign called his bluff, "Okay, Chief, how
about Tom Cruise"? "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove
it." So they fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and
sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, Chief ! Great to see You! You and your
friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, the Ensign is still skeptical. After they leave
Cruise's house, he tells the Chief that he thinks his knowing Cruise was
just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," the Chief says. "President Bush," the
Ensign quickly retorts. Yep", I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
So, off they go. At the White House, Bush spots them on the tour and
motions them over, saying, " Chief, what a surprise. I was just on my
way to a meeting, but you and that Ensign come on in and let's catch up.
Well, the Ensign is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to the
Chief, who again implores him to name anyone else.

The new Pope," the Ensign replies. "Sure, I've known the Pope a long
time." So, off they fly to Rome. They're assembled with the masses in
Vatican Square when the Chief says, this will never work. I can't catch
the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the
guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with
the Pope."

He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's. Sure enough,
half an hour later, the Chief emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But
by the time he returns, he finds that the Ensign has had a heart attack
and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his side, the Chief asks the Ensign, "What Happened "?

The Ensign looks up and says, I was doing fine until you and The Pope
came out on the balcony and the tourist next to me asked, "Who's that on
the balcony next to the Chief ?