Joke of the day. Part 2

[YOUR_DADDY]

Do NOT lose your Grand kids in the Mall!




My grandson got away from me Sunday at the mall and got very frightened.

He approached a uniformed policeman and sobbed, "I've lost my

grandpa!!!"


The cop asked, "What's he like?"

My grandson hesitated for a moment, wiped his tears onto his sleeve and

then replied, "Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits."

[vinsanity]

LOL

[a Silly Person]

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over
the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he
didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is
my first day driving a cab..................

I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'

[Rubble]

LMAO, that's a good one.

[Lost_Child]

WHY YOU NEVER ASK A DRUNK A QUESTION

A girl was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, 'You must be single.'


She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at the six
items on the belt and saw nothing particular unusual about her
selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said: 'Well, you know what,
you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.

[a Silly Person]

LMAO!

[vinsanity]

LOLOL!

[Major_A]

I had to add this here to share. Every time I reread it on occasion, the cat and mouse thing cracks me up.

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.


By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[popeye]

lmao.... ;D.......good-one

[Lamron]

LOL!!!!!

[Urumii-Previously ThePresident]

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Sgt_Blueberry]

Jewish Sex

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm.

Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their
Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:
'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the
young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring
on an orgasm.'

They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and
he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still
unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.

'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man
make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.'

Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice They go home and hire, the same strapping
young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel.
The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking,
ear-splitting screaming orgasm.


The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, 'See
that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!!

;D

[Death's Shadow]

LOL

[Durza]

I found this on the 81st EE site.

stories with morals for people in management:

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower,
when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that
towel.'


After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob , after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.


The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' sh e replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he
owes me?'



Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her
leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said,
'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when
they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk 'I want to be in the
Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii ,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina
Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch'


Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do
nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a
fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.




Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the
turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the
bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the
tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..



Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze
and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how
warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat
heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung,
and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

[a Silly Person]

All very good lessons indeed....

LMAO!