Joke of the day. Part 3

[popeye]

The Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Rifles Over Women

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one Rifle at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's Rifle and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary Rifle doesn't mind if you keep another Rifle for a backup.

#6. Your Rifle will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A Rifle doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Rifles function normally every day of the month.

#3. A Rifle doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A Rifle doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it..

And the number one reason a Rifle is favored over a woman:

# 1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A RIFLE

[RedRock]

#1 is a good one, Pops!

[Lamron]

#8. If you admire a friend's Rifle and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

Absolutely TRUE for the rifle.

Absolutely NOT TRUE for the woman. ;D ;D

[popeye]

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi ,was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars , a SWAT Team,a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[popeye]

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.


So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, 'My bike.'

[Lamron]

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all
day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,
but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I
suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he
didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked
him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that
it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and
kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour I don't know why he didn't
say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him
completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat
there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15
minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted,
and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't
know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone
else. My life is a disaster.



His Diary:

My Kimber started FTF , can't figure out why.

[RedRock]

How true, how true, Lamron.

[popeye]

> > A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN
> >
> > ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS
> >
> > SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
> >
> >
> >
> > THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS
> >
> > TO SEE HER TICKET.
> >
> >
> >
> > SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY
> >
> > CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
> >
> >
> >
> > THE BLOND REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M
> >
> > GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
> >
> >
> > THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS
> >
> > THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE
> >
> > BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN
> >
> > ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
> >
> >
> >
> > THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO
> >
> > EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY
> >
> > SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
> >
> >
> >
> > THE BLOND REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M
> >
> > GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
> >
> >
> >
> > THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD
> >
> > HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST
> >
> > THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
> >
> >
> >
> > THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
> >
> > HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
> >
> >
> >
> > HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,
> >
> > AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES
> >
> > BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY..
> >
> >
> >
> > THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND
> >
> > ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT
> >
> > ANY FUSS.
> >
> >
> > "I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO ".

[RedRock]

LOL! That's a very good blonde joke, Pops!

[YOUR_DADDY]

My 1 day employment

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for
many retirees, I lasted less than a day....

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two
kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. I
said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children
you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they
ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell
would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just can’t
believe someone fucked you twice. Have a good day and thank you for
shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

[Major_A]

Oct 21, 2011 9:11:52 GMT -5 YOUR_DADDY said:

@ 1st Day Employment

HAHAHAHAHAHA LMFAO!

[YOUR_DADDY]

Before sex, you help each other get naked!!
After sex, you only dress yourself.
The Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you're f*%#ed

[YOUR_DADDY]

What's in the box?

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check-out counter.



The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."



The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."



So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.



The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."



The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like shit."



The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."



So........... Don't mess with old people.

[Major_A]

LOLOLOL

[YOUR_DADDY]

I bought a new Ford F250 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck .
Go figure it runs on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85.
I returned to the dealer yesterday
Because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated.

'Nelson,' the technician said to the radio.
The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again'
Came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!' and in an instant,
' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy and for the next few days,
Every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,'
I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light
And nearly creamed my new truck,
But I swerved in time to avoid him.

I yelled, 'Asshole!'
Immediately the radio responded with,

Ladies and gentlemen,
The President of The
United States

Damn I love this truck....