Lamron
Benevolent Dictator
Posts: 5,218
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Post by Lamron on Aug 6, 2010 9:07:26 GMT -5
LOL That was wrong!
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Lamron
Benevolent Dictator
Posts: 5,218
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Post by Lamron on Aug 28, 2010 16:34:39 GMT -5
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.
''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''
''Yes, I remember him as a baby'' says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though" the mother confides.
"Oh, so sad dear'' says the other.
''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''
''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''
''He's a martyr too'' says the mother quietly.
''Oh, gracious me . . . '' says the other.
''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers.
"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school''
''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
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RedRock
LPmember
Never ask what kind of computer a person uses--if it's a Mac, he'll say; if not, why embarrass him?
Posts: 4,969
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Post by RedRock on Aug 28, 2010 20:52:06 GMT -5
Ohhh, that is sooooo bad, Lamron. So insensitive! ;D
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popeye
New Member
think ONCE,think TWICE,think-BIKE!
Posts: 684
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Post by popeye on Aug 29, 2010 0:11:08 GMT -5
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put into an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
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a Silly Person
New Member
Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
Posts: 1,370
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Post by a Silly Person on Aug 29, 2010 11:37:12 GMT -5
Both of those were great!
Here's another:
A friend of mine just started his own business............
He’s manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats.
It’s doing real well.
He says Prophets are going through the roof.
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popeye
New Member
think ONCE,think TWICE,think-BIKE!
Posts: 684
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Post by popeye on Aug 31, 2010 10:37:21 GMT -5
they are saying they know who started the floods in india......it was a suicide-plumber...
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Post by YOUR_DADDY on Sept 2, 2010 9:06:37 GMT -5
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
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RedRock
LPmember
Never ask what kind of computer a person uses--if it's a Mac, he'll say; if not, why embarrass him?
Posts: 4,969
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Post by RedRock on Sept 2, 2010 13:34:29 GMT -5
BAD DOG, BAD! LOL!
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Post by YOUR_DADDY on Sept 10, 2010 6:10:05 GMT -5
California Love Story
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex ... She spent the next
hour just rubbing his testicles ...
Something she just loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that?"
Because ... She Replied ...
"I Really Miss Mine"
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Lamron
Benevolent Dictator
Posts: 5,218
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Post by Lamron on Sept 10, 2010 9:20:01 GMT -5
Read this out loud:
Alpha Kenny Body
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popeye
New Member
think ONCE,think TWICE,think-BIKE!
Posts: 684
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Post by popeye on Sept 20, 2010 11:53:36 GMT -5
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popeye
New Member
think ONCE,think TWICE,think-BIKE!
Posts: 684
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Post by popeye on Oct 21, 2010 12:12:58 GMT -5
after over thirty years of marriage to florence. jim the plumber left her..........the note he left on the kitchen table simply read "its over flo" : )
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RedRock
LPmember
Never ask what kind of computer a person uses--if it's a Mac, he'll say; if not, why embarrass him?
Posts: 4,969
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Post by RedRock on Oct 24, 2010 14:59:23 GMT -5
Uhmm, that marriage went down the drain. Could it have been that she preferred the Plumber's Helper to him? ![:)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/smiley.png)
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popeye
New Member
think ONCE,think TWICE,think-BIKE!
Posts: 684
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Post by popeye on Feb 21, 2011 12:40:09 GMT -5
The local news station was interviewing an 85-year-old lady because she had just married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 85, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, then a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, the funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and patiently explained, " I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
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popeye
New Member
think ONCE,think TWICE,think-BIKE!
Posts: 684
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Post by popeye on Mar 13, 2011 3:47:12 GMT -5
my friend went to hospital for an operation to cure his premature ejaculation...i rang and asked the nurse how he was doing..she said "its still touch and go"..! lol : )
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