Joke of the day. Part 3

[a Silly Person]

Hypnotism at the Senior Center

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center . Claude the hypnotist
exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you all into a trance - I intend to
hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the
light.

Claude the hypnotist said: 'I want you each to keep your eyes on this
antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six
generations.'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch .

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of
eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it
slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the
floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

'SH!T!' said the Hypnotist.

It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center

[Death's Shadow]

lmao now that is a good one.

[YOUR_DADDY]

When you

are having a bad day

and think that

you are having problems,

just remember:


SOMEWHERE

IN THIS WORLD,

THERE IS

A

MR. PELOSI.

[a Silly Person]

Yikes!

[RedRock]

LOL, I didn't see that one coming, either, and I even accidentally read the punch line first!!! Funny!

[YOUR_DADDY]

ggs

As I walked in almost awake she turned and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment."

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.' Not wanting to lose the moment I embraced her and then gave it my all right, there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Women are very mean.

[YOUR_DADDY]

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.' ;D
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. ‘One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal'.

[a Silly Person]

LMAO!

[YOUR_DADDY]

The Poker Player

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you liked under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms his interest.

Sue told him t hat since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered, 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.'




Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he 'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now THAT, is a poker player!

[Death's Shadow]

Lmao that is a good one. Old one but worth a re telling. ;D

[popeye]

a good short joke! A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied. LOL ..

[a Silly Person]

Isn't that the truth. ;D

[a Silly Person]

FREE KITTENS
Little Mary Pat had a box of very small kittens that she was trying to give away,
So she had them out on the street corner with a sign 'FREE KITTENS' next to
Them.

Suddenly a big line of big black cars came up
With a policeman on a motorcycle in front.

The cars all stopped and
a tall man stepped out from the biggest car. It's President Obama.


'Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?' he asked.

'Kittens' Little Mary Pat says. 'They're so small, their eyes are not even open yet.'


'What kind of kittens are they?' he asked.
'Democrats' says Little Mary Pat.


The tall man smiled,
Returned to his car and they drove away. Sensing a good photo opportunity,
President. Obama called his Press Manager and told him about the little girl
And the kittens.

It was planned that they would return the next day,
Have all the media there and tell everyone about these great kittens.


The next day, Little Mary Pat is standing out on the corner with her
Box of kittens with the 'FREE KITTENS' sign and the big motorcade of black
Cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS, BET and CNN
But no FOX for some reason..

Everyone had their cameras ready and
Then, President. Obama got out of his limo and walked up to Little Mary Pat.


'Now, don't be frightened,' he said, 'I just want you to tell all
These nice news people just what kind of kittens you're giving away today.'


'Yes sir,' Mary Pat said, 'These are all REPUBLICAN kittens.'

Taken by surprise, President Obama said, 'But yesterday, you told me that
They were DEMOCRATS.'

Little Mary Pat says, 'Yes, I know. But today, they have their eyes open.'

[Death's Shadow]

LMAO good one. ;D

[YOUR_DADDY]

Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.
He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has".
Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished'. Ole nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel
hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air.. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on
top of him making the pin and winning the match.

The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face...I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce
of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."


So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"