Joke of the day

[Death's Shadow]

sillyperson said:

Evil, wicked, Mean and Nasty Genie,
I like her already!

Who else can we send that bottle to that is in dire need of a "get what you deserve" wish? ;D

Bill Clinton

[a Silly Person]

One night, after the couple had retired for
the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side,sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.
He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused
and she squirmed a little to better position
herself.The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

" Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, " I found the remote."

[Lost_Child]

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he
noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides & a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being
pulled by her dog & her cat.

The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer & noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar & to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the firefighter said. "I don't want to tell you how
to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren." ;D ;D ;D

[psyckos]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned."

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile.

"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself."

"BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just Lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

[A_ROOKIE]

Q. What's a mixed feeling?




A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your
new car.

[I...Died...Again!!!]

HA I have insurance no mixed feelings there!

[BigDaddy]

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington. “How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!” yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face.
Patrick Henry comes up from behind. “You wanted to end the Americans’ liberty, so they gave you death!” Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says “This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!” He drops a large weight on Osama’s knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America.

As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams “This is not what I was promised!”

An angel replies “I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you, idiot. What did you think I said?”

[a Silly Person]

LMAO!

Towel must have been covering his buckineers a bit.

[A_ROOKIE]

What is a Yankee?




The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

[a Silly Person]

CHILI COOK OFF
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
*****************************************************
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) - Holy crap!? What the hell is this stuff?? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

**************************************** *************
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork.? Slight jalapeno tang.

> Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

*****************************************************
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 - A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the beer.

*****************************************************
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!?
Is chili an aphrodisiac?

*****************************************************
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.? The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.? Sally saved my tongue
from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.? I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.? It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

*****************************************************
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.? Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 - The best yet.? Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my
rearend with a snow cone.

*****************************************************
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 - Ho hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match
my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

*****************************************************
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller! Wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No report.

[Death's Shadow]

OMG ..... thank you Silly.. I really needed a good laugh after the night I had at work. that post had me laughing so hard I thought I was going to soil myself...

[vinsanity]

sillyperson said:

I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.

LOLOLOLOL! Now that was funny

[A_ROOKIE]

What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?



A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again

[a Silly Person]

That gives a whole new shine to the phrase, "Are you on crack?"

LOL

[A_ROOKIE]

What's the definition of macho?




Jogging home from your vasectomy.