Pulled Over

[Marauder(CDN)]

A female Mountie pulled over a drunk Saskatchewan farmer driving down the back roads.
She said to him, "You're under arrest, anything you say, can and will be held against you".
"Tits", replied the farmer.

[Lamron]

LOL

[popeye]

very overweight guy goes to docs with bad tummy pains!! dr; well whats your daily diet?...oh, i get up have 14eggs,15toast,18 coffe,s..dinner time i have 6 "t"-bones,20 doghnuts and a litre of milk! for supper 12 chineese takaways!! dr; mmmmmm?.."just drop your trousers".so he did.i see the trouble straight away ,says the doc! "youv only got one arse"...lol

[RedRock]

This one is for Lamron.

A man takes his unexpectedly lifeless hunting dog to the vet, desperately seeking a miracle cure.
"Doc, you gotta help me, this is my prized breeder, he brings me in $40,000 a year, you gotta do something!" the man says.
"Well, I don't know, it looks somewhat hopeless," says the kind doctor after a brief confirmatory examination of the obviously deceased canine.
"No, you gotta do something, give him some shots, run some tests, do something, anything!"
"Well, OK, if you insist."
"Yes, please!"
So the doctor tried basic CPR, injected the dog with epinephrine, and shocked the dog a few times with the cardioversion paddles, all to no avail.
"Sorry," the Doctor said.
"NO, don't give up!" the man implored.
"Well, there is one more thing we can do," the Doctor said, and he sent his lovely nurse, Helga, out for The Special Test equipment.
Helga brought in an ugly, mean, snarling, uppity, yellow, adult male cat, who immediately pranced all around the dead dog, jumped up on the dog, pissed on the dog, and then sauntered away with an audible, and stinky, fart, to go sun in the window contentedly.
At that, the dog's owner sighed and answered resignedly, "Yep, that clinches it, Ol' Zeke's dead, because if he were even half alive, he'd have torn that cat up in no time flat as soon as he saw it. Well, thanks, Doc, for trying. Now what do I owe you?"
And the old Doctor thought a bit and said, "That'll be $1,550, please."
"$1,550 !!!, the man exclaimed, whatever for???"
Well, the Doc answered, that's $100 for the office visit, $150 for the epinephrine shot, CPR efforts, and cardioversion paddles,





















and $1,300 FOR THE CAT SCAN."
;D

[popeye]

man goes to docs..everyones talking behind my back!!he said..its getting to me a bit! well said doc..have you upset anyone? no he said..have you argued with anyone? no,not at all! i dont understand it..can i ask you what job you do? yes said the guy..i,m a cab driver !! lol..

[A_ROOKIE]

Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel stuck to his crotch.
The bartender says "Hey you got a steering wheel stuck to your crotch?"












ARRRRRR! I know it's driving me nuts!

[BigDaddy]

Sent to me via daffy_duck


ANGER MANAGEMENT
>>
>>When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it
>>out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
>>someone you don't know.
>>
>>It all started one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a
>>phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
>>
>>A man answered, saying, "Hello."
>>
>>I politely said, "This is Jim. May I please speak with Robin Carter?"
>>
>>Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone
>>could be so rude.
>>
>>I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the
>>last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided
>>to call the 'wrong' number again.
>>
>>When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and
>>hung up.
>>
>>I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in
>>drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad
>>day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me
>>up.
>>
>>When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
>>calling scheme would have to stop.
>>
>>So, I called his number and said: "Hi, this is John Smith from the
>>Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're interested
>>in the Caller ID program?"
>>
>>He yelled "NO!" and slammed the phone down.
>>
>>I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
>>
>>One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
>>Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
>>patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting
>>for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car
>>window, so I wrote down his number.
>>
>>A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his
>>number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW
>>asshole, too.
>>
>>I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
>>
>>"Yes, it is."
>>
>>"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
>>
>>"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's
>>parked right out in front."
>>
>>"What's your name?"
>>
>>"My name is Don Burgemeyer," he said.
>>
>>"Whens a good time to catch you, Don?"
>>
>>"I'm home every evening after five."
>>
>>"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
>>
>>"Yes"
>>
>>"Don, you're an asshole."
>>
>>Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
>>
>>Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several
>>months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
>>
>>So, I came up with an idea.
>>
>>I called Asshole #1.
>>
>>"Hello."
>>
>>"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
>>
>>Are you still there?" he asked.
>>
>>"Yeah," I said.
>>
>>"Stop calling me," he screamed.
>>
>>"Make me," I screamed back.
>>
>>"Who are you?" he demanded.
>>
>>"My name is Don Burgemeyer."
>>
>>"Yeah? Where do you live?"
>>
>>"I live at 1802 West 34th Street, ASSHOLE! It's a yellow house, with my
>>black beemer parked in front."
>>
>>He said, "I'm coming over there right now, Don. And you had better start
>>saying your prayers."
>>
>>I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."
>>
>>Then I called Asshole #2.
>>
>>"Hello?" he said.
>>
>>"Hello, asshole," I said...again, without hanging up.
>>
>>He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are!"
>>
>>"Yeah, you'll what?" I said.
>>
>>"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
>>
>>I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right
>>now."
>>
>>Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
>>1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way home to kill my gay lover.
>>
>> Then I called Channel 9 News to let them know about the war going down
>>on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th
>>Street. There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.
NOW, I feel better.
Anger management really works!!!

[popeye]

lawyer goes to see man accused of murder in cell...got some good news/bad news for you! oh no he said.....give me the bad news first...well i,m sorry to say the feds have found a lot of your blood splattered all over the appartment!!jeeeeeez,,,,"whats the good news??well, your cholesterol,s bang-on !! lol : )

[popeye]

a mate of mine told me he was going to end-it-all! well i tried to talk him out of it, but he was adament....."how you going to do it?" i asked...".i,v bought one thousand paracetomal" he said ,and tonites the nite!.......well i saw him two days later, and i said that i thought you were going to top yourself with the paracetomal ! "oh" he said...."i took the first two and felt a lot better "..... : )

[desmo2]

After the death of an employee, the task of notifying the man's wife fell upon two Anheiser-Busch brewery managers.

"I'm sorry to have to tell you this, ma'am," one of them told the widow, "but your husband committed suicide tonight by jumping into an open vat of beer. He drowned."

"OH MY GOD!" shrieked the widow. "Please tell me he died quickly!"

"Well..." the exec stammered, "I wish I could tell you he died quickly. But the truth is, he got out to pee four times before he finally drowned!"

[Marauder(CDN)]

A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home from school unexpectedly, sees them
and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes
home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realising that the little boy
is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the
lover are in the closet together.
Boy- "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy! - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How
much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your
glove,let's go outside and have a game of catch."
"I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove" the boy replied.
His father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
"$1,000" he answered
His father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends
like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm
going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy
sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

[RedRock]

Those are funny ones, guys!

For those wondering, paracetamol is Brit for acetaminophen (best known Brand name: Tylenol).

And the beer drowning reminds me of Archie Bunker's old saying: You don't buy beer, you rent it!

[popeye]

two canibal freinds of mine wanted me to give them a lift to the airport.....they were going to europe for a two-week vacation...i agreed to take them and waved them off.....anyway..two weeks later i saw them in town!..one had a badly mangled arm, and the other had a real bad chewed up leg!!"what happend to you two" i asked...nothing they replied..we had a great vacation..."but why the terrible injuries" i asked...nothing really....we went self-catering!!doh!

[popeye]

went to the doctors today! and as soon as i walked in he said "quick, pull your tounge out and go to that window over there"....i asked him if everything was ok...."oh yes" he said...."i just hate that dude walking past"......lol : ) doh!

[Pvt._Michaels]

COWBOY JOKE

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."